Xaver meets Deutsche Bahn

Caution!!! The train is not arriving. Mei, der Xaver legt eine ganze Nation lahm. Yesterday my mom told me, don´t make any Spaziergänge with the Kinder cause of flying Kühe and downfalling Äste right into the Gesicht. So I follow.

But today I need to go to Hamburg after saving my kids in the verbarrikadierte Wohnung. But Xaver was nice zu mir. Bis auf kind of windy horror snowflakes wich feels like Messerstiche im Gesicht, it was total okay. Heard, Christian was schlimmer! Can imagine, had an Ex-Freund called Christian, ähmm, okay, other story.

Now standing at Hannover Hauptbahnhof, waiting for my Anschlusszug. Listen to different Durchsagen from the female Roboterstimme.

„Your next Anschluss, ICE 561 to Berlin, Abfahrt 19.20 verspätet sich voraussichtlich about 348 minutes. You can get schneller there if you take the sofort fahring ICE in direction München. The train there goes pünktlich.“

Hätte sie die minutes in hours gesaid, it would be kind of charmanter. Aber anyway.

The Deutsche Bahn-Lady at my Gleis fängt an zu talken.

„At Gleis 7, Einfahrt ICE 974 nach Hamburg main station, Abfahrt 19.20 Uhr. Please don´t overstep the white line in front of dir, bevor the train is arriving. Otherwise it can happen that you will be totally zermatscht. Caution!!! The train is arriving!“

All the people formally known as passengers or umgekehrt steps a Schritt zurück. Not me. I am mutig. Sometimes sogar kind of querulanting. I stepped forward. My shoes tipped the line, tipp, tipp. Inside my head a voice starting summing. `Mitsche, matsche, patsche, mitsche, matsche, patsche´.

The train arrives without überrolling me. I am totally Adrenalin gekickt. Ein kleiner Schritt für mich a big step against the rules!

Now the Fahrt can start. I am ready. Ready for Xaver, ready for any kind of Springflut and ready for the Weltfrieden and ready for Hamburg. Cause from now on, I am a Overstepper!

© Sunny Möller


Träwelling with Deutsche Bahn – reloaded

After a very exciting and almost sunny weekend at my Traumstadt I started to go back to my derzeitiger Wohnort, cause I am too knapp bei Kasse now to live in Hamburg. But I will come wieder when I am ready with my personal Krisengebiet.

Enjoying a pleseant evening at the Baumwoll-Taverne with great musischns, I stand noch a little müde at Hamburg central station waiting for the Fernverkehr. Platform 14. Same procedure like every weekend. A crowded Haufen of people with aggressive Fratzen to be the first at the incoming train.

First Durchsage of the day. „Ladies and Dschentlmän, the ICE 432189065535 from Hamburg to Stuttgart ist about 30 minutes too late. Today it drives from platform 13 in umgekehrter Wagenreihung.“

180 Grad circle of 25000 passengers with or without Darmproblemen. Militant stepps to the white line you are not allowed to overcross. Verunsicherung about the switched Wagenreihung. I am happy about having no Platzreservierung.

Waiting and listening.

An old couple from Middledeutschland is talking about Erlebtes.

„Also nein Erwin, wat war das herrlich bei de Taaazzaaan. Und die Plätze, Erwin! Fast vorne inne Bühne Erwin, woll?“

„Ja, Ulle! Hasse recht.“

„Und der Peter Hofmann hat mia alße Taaazzaaan genauso gut gefallen, wie in Pfantomm off se Operraa! Woll, Erwin?“

„Dat wa der Klaffs, der Hoffmann is tot!“

„Der is tot? Stand nix inna ´Frau im Spiegel´! Ts ts ts. Un wer is der Klaffs?“

„Na vonne Subbastaaß, mitte Bohln!“

„Ach der! Is der nich mit der Helene Fischer lieiat? Aussm Osten?“

„Nee Ulle, das is die vom Silbanagel!“

„Ach ja, der Flori! Ganz ein stattlicher, woll Erwin?“

I´m blending aus. Just behind me a little Racker, formally known as Arschlochkind is treting in my Hacken. Ever and ever again. It hurts furchtbar. Seniles smiling from the mother.

„Sie wissen ja wie Kinder sind! Sie müssen ihre Erfahrungen machen!“

Sure? Okay. I am in the front row to give Entwicklungshilfe. What about schubsing your Prekillerchild over the white line to learn counting the Gleise? Fun like having a Überraschungsei. Spiel, Spaß und Schokolade, okay the chocolate is missing. I would never do that but do you know this kind of children? You can see it in their eyes! Vorne hole, hinten ass.

But I am nett. I´m changing the place.

Next to me some freshlovers knutsching before Trenning. I am totally beeindruckt from the tounge of the male Knutscher. Very long! Very, very long. You can see the poor female Knutschpartner with ausgebeulte cheeks and nach Luft schnapping. Bet see the tounge Spitze coming out of her ear…..uuuääähhh!

Kraxing out of the boxes. Second Durchsage.

„Caution!!! The train is arriving!“

Think I take a seat on the floor! Sometimes you can better see from unten nach oben….

© Sunny Möller


Träwelling with Deutsche Bahn – extented version

Tot im Klo

Freitagnachmittag, Hannover station on my way to Heimathafen Hamburg. All over schlechtgelaunte people, faces like the rainy weather. Send a smile in any direction, successlos…

After einsteiging without Platzreservierung, „Sie müssen hia wech, ich hab räsawiaaaht“, sitting on the Boden directly to the Klo.
A voice of a friendly DB-Mitarbeiter comes out of the Lautsprecher. „Welcome on your Fahrt with Deutsche Bahn to Hamburg! We are totally ausgebooked with besoffene Preweddis and kind of schrullige Rentners with musical cards. The other guys want to go to the ‚Doll House´, escaping from the Hängetitten of their Ehefrauen! Enjoy your Fahrt!“

Nach kurzer Pause, another Durchsage. „The bord restaurant invited all the idiots without Platzreservierung to eat our gepresstes Hähnchenschnitzel an dryfrosted Brokkoligedöns with delicious Tütensauce for the sagenhaften Preis of 16,95! And if you eat you get a Nachlass on the softdrinks. A coke for only 98,60!!!!! We will see us there ihr fucking braindeads!“

After looking in my Geldbörse I decided to stay on the ground! Bad idea! Hear kind of Pupsgeräusche from the potty! The door is not dicht. Smelling übel. Where ist the Wäscheklammer when needed??? My floor neighbour is verziehing the face, counting money and goes to the Hähnchenschnitzel.

The girls from the Junggesellinnenabschied open the third Mumm-alles andere kann warten-bottle and start to sing versaute Lieder a la „Ja, die rutzdifutz die Möse schwitzt, weil sie zu nah am Arschloch sitzt…“ no Übersetzung for this one!!! They wear kind of drollige dresses like Wurst in Pelle. Last fun weekend before marriage!

A baby starting screeming, changes his Gesichtsfarbe from red to blue, colors of the sommer.

Suddenly the ICE makes a horrible Vollbremsung, something is knalling, luggage and Reisetaschen falling all over the Gänge. Selfmurderer, entgleising??? Angst and unsureness is making sich breit. The sugarbrides stand stockstill and some of the Rentners starting a short Vaterunser.

The train´s driving slowly wieder an. Somebody press the Playtaste. Das Leben geht weiter. More important things happened. The president of the US schwitzte hinter Panzerglas and put his jacket off and say du to Angie, best friends! Anyone is you for Obama, only nebenbei!

Last Durchsage for today: „We arrived Hamburg in a few minutes. We are verrrry sorrry foa the Verspätung von allover 30 minutes, no one gets their Anschlüsszüge! But wi sänk ju for träwelling with Deutsche Bahn and eating our überteuertes Hähnchenschnitzel!“

I´m not interesting in Anschlusszügen! I´m at home!!!!

© Sunny Möller